What for?
by DrackyB
Summary: How to cope with the feeling of emptiness inside of you after losing someone you love? JIBBS


Disclaimer:Feel free to believe that I own them!Madonna is responsible for the song.

A/N - This is my first story.It's not that good...I don't think there'll be another!I'm terrible writer.And I'm not sure how to post it as well...sorry.

**What for?**

_It came without a warning  
Didn't want his friends to see him cry  
He knew the day was dawning  
And I didn't have a chance to say goodbye_

The rain had started to fall by then.Thick clouds covering the sun.That was just exactly how Jennifer Shepard had always imagined a perfect funeral.Her funeral.

Relatives there were none,nor friends.The reflection of a dangerous kind of life.Secretly, she wondered if anyone would show up, even though she knew it was impossible.

Little drops wetting the chairs.Not that it made any difference,they were all vacant.There were flowers everywhere,trees,even a fountain.A beautiful place.But the scene was so melancholic that she would have cried if she could.God,how she wanted to!She tried to move but her cold body refused to obey.

She felt so incredibly alone.She had to concentrate on the pain and let things happen naturally.Resignation,the magical word.It'd be easier if she really believed that it was for the best.At least all the suffering and agony had gone away.The last two months were simply exhausting.So fast.And for the first time in years she allowed herself to think about what had become of her.She wished to say she missed her life but what life was that?

_In this life I loved you most of all  
What for?  
'Cause now you're gone and I have to ask myself  
What for?_

Would she be feeling the same desperation if her life had been different?

Many places she had traveled to, many people she had met, many things she had done, many men she had gone to bed with. What for?If she only had an answer.

_What for?  
Driving down the boulevard  
Thinking about a man I knew  
He was like a father to me  
Nothing in the world that he wouldn't do  
Taught me to respect myself  
Said that we're all made of flesh and blood_

When she was a little girl, her father had taught her that she could trust nobody.Sooner or later, someone would betray her.he turned out to be right!However,she was the very someone.She had betrayed herself and acted against her own life.

It seemed so right at the time, she even decided to ignore all the warnings hitting her in the face. Once upon a time, she had been a daughter.Once upon a time,she had been a friend.Once upon a time she had been partner,a lover.What was left?

There was only a shadow left.A broken reminiscence of a Jenny Shepard that didn't exist anymore.There's no daugther without a father and a mother.No friendship without friends.No partnership without a partner.But there would always be love,even if it couldn't be expressed.Should she call it a plague or a blessing?

_Why should he be treated differently  
Shouldn't matter who you choose to love_

Years of hard work for nothing.An obsession that got completely on her nerves.Hamlet learnt the hard way.Very smart as she was, she took the same path.Revenge.Probably, one of the most ridiculous ideas that ever crossed her mind.A waist of time, energy and strength.Nothing else.It was time to let it go.Let the rain wash it all away.Forget the mistakes,concentrate in what can be changed.The past is over, the present is gone and the future is too close.When the heart beats very fast the feeling could be compared to a punch from the inside.Breathing becomes harder.

Death persists as a mystery.Some might say it is a weakness, the biggest problem of human race.But Jenny didn't consider death to be a problem.Scary as it may seem it is not a full stop.Maybe more like an interrogation, stimulating the mind, making it work on finding new answers, alternative endings.

_In this life I loved you most of all  
What for?  
'Cause now you're gone and I have to ask myself  
What for?_

She took a few steps to take a last look at him.It was predictible,a natural call, a situation.He was gone.This time, forever.Amazing how he had aged.His face was so pale now,cold to the touch.Her hand caressed his cheek and she could feel the tears threatening to fall.There was no time for that.He wouldn't want to see her crying,he'd taught her to be strong and he'd made her promise to hold herself together.What a challenge she had got herself into.After she had redicted her whole life, adapting to a unnecessary goal, she'd found out she was living an illusion.Raving like a mad person.He didn't even allow her to say goodbye.All by herself.Again.Not the most pleasant feeling for sure.

_People pass by and I wonder who's next  
Who determines, who knows best  
Is there a lesson I'm supposed to learn in this case  
Ignorance is not bliss_

However,Jasper Shepard didn't go without teaching her one last lesson.Life was a precious thing and he had fought for it.It was up to her to the same.She needed to.Her body and soul ached for life.She wasn't stupid enough to keep on pretending to be ignorant about it.Her life had turned into a big problem.That was the difference between her father's life and hers. He had seen it as a problem, not a situation.She,on the other hand, took everything for situations.The two could be distincted.Her father's "second" death was a situation.Everytime someone tries to find solutions for situations they'll only get frustrated.There is no solution.The only thing left being acceptance,resignation.Fighting against it was useless, causing suffering.

Not a situation,her life could be classified as a problem.A big,complex one.She'd run away from any possible long-term relationship,lost friends,the few relatives there were left,the man she still loved in secrecy.But the good aspect of problems was that there was always a solution.A problem could be solved.Her life could be solved.Now she wanted to change but what about the others?Would they accept her back?

_Have you ever watched your best friend die  
Have you ever watched a grown man cry _

She felt the tears coming once more and took a deep breath.He was still there,she had to respect his final wish.No crying,no tears shed.For now.Her hands started to tremble.It was getting harder to control herself.Her temples were about to explode by the time her father had finally been buried.She couldn't move, her legs too tired.Jenny looked at the dark clouds,caging their own tears.Why was it so hard?

_Some say that life isn't fair  
I say that people just don't care_

The sound of her heart beating echoed in her mind.So loud, she thought it'd stop right then.A reminder of her recent resolutions.Turning back was not an option,there was only forward.Closing her eyes,she remembered how she had found him, a lifeless body in her house.She heard a sob,her own.Soon the tears were cascading all over her face.At least she had her glasses on.So caught up in the moment she didn't even ackowledged another person approaching her.Not before she felt somebody else's hand holding hers.She wiped all the tears,but didn't turn around.No need for that.

_I say that people just don't care  
They'd rather turn the other way  
And wait for this thing to go away _

When she felt arms enveloping her in a hug,her body trembled again.

"Let it go away,Jen.There's nothing else you can do.It's better to cry now".

His voice was so calm.They stayed like that for minutes.She pulled away and looked into his eyes.Carefully,he took her glasses off.Her eyes were red as well as the tip of her nose.She noticed his eyes were a little red too.She let her hands touch his face,tracing his features,caressing the lines in his forehead.It'd been too long since the last time she had done that.

She only dared to speak when she was calm enough,breathing normally.

"What are you doing here,Jethro?"

He paused.She wasn't expecting him to say anything but he looked somehow inspired.He pulled her close to him,his arms around her again.His right hand went to her head,running his fingers through her hair.

_Why do we have to pretend  
Some day I pray it will end_

It was good,comforting.Brought renewed hope to her broken heart.She still felt the urge to hear him verbalizing it though.He tightened his hold,his lips almost touching her ear.

_I hope it's in this life  
I hope it's in this life time_

"What for?"

He took her hand in his, entertwining their fingers.

"For showing it's not over"

THE END

I decided to write it because I've lost three relatives in less than two months.My cousin was so devastated after her father died that I felt awful.Two people had to carry her because she couldn't walk...had to put into words.I trully hope she gets better.


End file.
